In writing this newsletter, I’ve shared a lot of things about my life - my actions and my feelings - and that has been cathartic. The process of writing it down is therapeutic, and then publishing it - making it accessible to the public - serves as a kind of confession, and also a record of my feelings at that moment. In being active in AA for the past several months, I have found a similar experience happens. In each meeting people share briefly (for just two or three minutes) whatever comes to their mind related to the topic of the day. In most cases, people share something deeply personal and vulnerable from their past, and many people share how they are different now or how they are working to change. Sharing in itself is a healing experience, and hearing people share creates an intimate sense of closeness with others that has been elusive to me for most of my life.
In some meetings, one person shares for an extended period of time. In these talks people share their experiences - what they used to be like, what happened, and what they are like now. I had the opportunity to do this recently at the meeting I’ve been attending and the experience left me with feelings that I wasn’t expecting. I’ve been sharing the most personal and painful stories of my life in writing for years (here and in other places, sometimes without anonymity). Writing feels safe to me - I am comfortable with it and I have come to terms with the act of putting something out into the world for people to read, or not read. Sharing verbally, in a room full of people, has never been comfortable for me. But then again, simply being in a room full of people has never been comfortable for me. In many ways, that’s why I drank - to be comfortable in a room full of people.
I was less nervous preparing to share the most intimate moments of my life with a group of people who are simultaneously both strangers and yet somehow good friends, than I would be giving a presentation at work or speaking at a business conference. I knew deep down that the less I prepared the more authentic it would be. I also trusted that I wouldn’t be judged - no matter what I shared about the things I’ve done, even the actions that have brought me the most shame. And that is what I shared - the most shameful episodes of my life. The ways I’ve hurt people. The ways I’ve prioritized my own needs over everyone else’s. The ways I’ve abandoned situations and people that I couldn’t “deal with”. The ways I’ve twisted around reality so that everything was somebody else’s fault and my behaviors were always justified. And, the way alcohol ran through it all, justifying my behavior to myself, emboldening me to do “brash” things, allowing me to rationalize my actions, occupying a unique place of importance in my mind, and constantly motivating me to get through whatever was distracting me so that I could get to the drinking part of the day. The fact that I am able to share all that openly speaks to my newfound awareness of how my actions have impacted other people, and implies that I am now deliberately working to avoid repeating the harmful patterns of my past. Not drinking doesn’t make it easier, but it takes away the primary means I had to avoid confronting reality. Now I am developing skills to work through things rather than skirt around them.
When I was done, the first thought that came into my mind was “Wow, I am a terrible person.” I felt an urge to add an addendum to my talk, “But, I swear, I have good qualities too!” There was time for others to share, and many of them started by thanking me for sharing my story and pointing out elements of it that they related to. An inability to “show up” when it matters, an inclination not to trust anybody, a transactional approach to relationships, a tendency to move to a new city in an attempt to “start fresh”, only to discover that I take myself wherever I go. The more people responded, the more comfortable I felt with what I had shared. It helped too that some people ignored my talk altogether and shared what they needed to share - a good reminder that I’m not doing this to receive acknowledgement from others, and that other people’s need to share is more important than my own.
After the meeting, several people approached me to say thank you and talk briefly in private. It is hard to describe the power of an experience like this - sharing the lowlights of your life - the worst things you have done - and to have other people acknowledge, relate to, and empathize deeply with their own experiences. And, to be able to laugh - not to make light of my actions, but to point out the absurdity of my thinking. One thing we all have in common in these meetings is a realization of our flaws, a willingness to name our past mistakes, and a desire to do better. Sharing helps with accountability. I find that sharing forces me to confront myself in a way that I’ve never done before. Instead of hiding from, or avoiding what I find, I put it all on the table and let it sink in. Once it’s out there, where I can see it, and I have witnesses, I can work through it and start to understand how I can avoid making the same mistakes in the future. It is a constant work in progress.
I find a different effect from sharing verbally and in person than sharing through writing. There is an immediacy to it. An inability to edit or revise. A realtime look at the reactions people are having while the words are still coming out of my mouth. It is scary, and that’s why I have avoided it most of my life (unless, of course, I was drunk). But it’s also satisfying - it feels more like a release than writing does. There is no recording, no archive, nothing to stumble upon years later and re-read. There is only the act of sharing, and the subtle cues of reception and acknowledgement from the nods and expressions of others, and the sense of accountability in the knowledge that I don’t want to confess more stories like this in the future, I want them to live in the past as a cautionary reminder of the way things used to be.
Hey Sam, I really enjoyed this and found it very inspiring. I'm not going to AA much partly cos of 4 month old baba and tiredness/breastfeeding requirements but partly cos of a general drift away and a forgetting of all that can be powerful and positive about engaging. I'm happy to hear you are having a positive experience of sharing and the community that can come with it. Lovely to read and I hope you're well! x