Another thought-provoking post. Thanks. There are such similarities with our drinking and it's been fascinating to watch you go through processing this. I hope you are going to find a life that is preferable without alcohol, though it may take a while to adjust.
I too used to pour out little tiny measures of white wine in order to help control my drinking. This was when drinking alone, when I also could mostly control my intake. Occasionally I drank the whole bottle but often I stuck to my allotted half a bottle. The whole process of drinking, in the last year when I tried so hard to control it, was extremely obsessive and ritualistic. Anybody watching would have likely found it absurd. In the end, it was more painful to keep alcohol in my life than to let go of it. Perhaps that is where you find yourself too.
Thank you, Chelsey - your writing has really helped me come to these realizations, so I am very grateful for you and the work you are doing.
That sounds so familiar. I have been literally measuring my wine on kitchen scale. One night, we had guests over (during that brief window in June when people got the vaccine but before Delta and we all felt safe). As I was pouring wine for my friends they watched and said, "um, you measure your wine on a scale??" I was instantly embarrassed. Like, "Oh, shoot, that's one of those things I shouldn't do in front of other people". And then had to reflect on the absurdity of the system I had developed. So obsessive and ritualistic as you say, devising "rules" to help me control it. The feeling of relief I have at this moment is so much more pleasant. And it feels good to be able to look at my behavior and call out the truth about it.
Another thought-provoking post. Thanks. There are such similarities with our drinking and it's been fascinating to watch you go through processing this. I hope you are going to find a life that is preferable without alcohol, though it may take a while to adjust.
I too used to pour out little tiny measures of white wine in order to help control my drinking. This was when drinking alone, when I also could mostly control my intake. Occasionally I drank the whole bottle but often I stuck to my allotted half a bottle. The whole process of drinking, in the last year when I tried so hard to control it, was extremely obsessive and ritualistic. Anybody watching would have likely found it absurd. In the end, it was more painful to keep alcohol in my life than to let go of it. Perhaps that is where you find yourself too.
💜
Thank you, Chelsey - your writing has really helped me come to these realizations, so I am very grateful for you and the work you are doing.
That sounds so familiar. I have been literally measuring my wine on kitchen scale. One night, we had guests over (during that brief window in June when people got the vaccine but before Delta and we all felt safe). As I was pouring wine for my friends they watched and said, "um, you measure your wine on a scale??" I was instantly embarrassed. Like, "Oh, shoot, that's one of those things I shouldn't do in front of other people". And then had to reflect on the absurdity of the system I had developed. So obsessive and ritualistic as you say, devising "rules" to help me control it. The feeling of relief I have at this moment is so much more pleasant. And it feels good to be able to look at my behavior and call out the truth about it.