I feel this Sam, especially your last paragraph. I just distanced myself from an amazing group, full of people I admire. They admired me back. But the core differences between what I notice and value vs what majority seem to prioritise is too stark -- it hurts and confuses me to this day.
Beautiful! So evocative and I relate to so much. I also did a lot of hiding in my room, especially in halls, mixed with a lot of drinking. I would have too much fun and then be so ashamed I would get trapped in my room, unable to come out and rejoin in with people without the heightened scenario of a night out. I just couldn't seem to find the middle ground of hanging out! I remember inviting people over for a roast while drunk and full of social confidence and then hiding in my room all day, just hoping they wouldn't have taken me seriously. If I remember rightly, they all came over and I had to finally come out of my room and I think maybe i just didn't mention it. If only I had thought of laughing it off, but that was impossible!
You show a lot of insight and understanding here. About how overwhelming it was to be so in the thick of it, all the interior experience and the exterior experience. The university education and the social education. No wonder it was so challenging!
I related also to your lack of self esteem making you accidentally callous. That was my thing, also. I felt so much and so would have imagined myself high in empathy but in fact I struggled to consider how others felt. There was no room sometimes as I was so flooded by my own feeling! Certain things also didn't occur to me, like that others experienced the world differently to me. For a long time I believed everyone was secretly delighted when the social meet was cancelled, for instance...
Thanks for sharing. As usual, I think to mysekf, oh I will write a post in response to this! Because your reflective writing makes me feel so inspired.
I feel this Sam, especially your last paragraph. I just distanced myself from an amazing group, full of people I admire. They admired me back. But the core differences between what I notice and value vs what majority seem to prioritise is too stark -- it hurts and confuses me to this day.
Beautiful! So evocative and I relate to so much. I also did a lot of hiding in my room, especially in halls, mixed with a lot of drinking. I would have too much fun and then be so ashamed I would get trapped in my room, unable to come out and rejoin in with people without the heightened scenario of a night out. I just couldn't seem to find the middle ground of hanging out! I remember inviting people over for a roast while drunk and full of social confidence and then hiding in my room all day, just hoping they wouldn't have taken me seriously. If I remember rightly, they all came over and I had to finally come out of my room and I think maybe i just didn't mention it. If only I had thought of laughing it off, but that was impossible!
You show a lot of insight and understanding here. About how overwhelming it was to be so in the thick of it, all the interior experience and the exterior experience. The university education and the social education. No wonder it was so challenging!
I related also to your lack of self esteem making you accidentally callous. That was my thing, also. I felt so much and so would have imagined myself high in empathy but in fact I struggled to consider how others felt. There was no room sometimes as I was so flooded by my own feeling! Certain things also didn't occur to me, like that others experienced the world differently to me. For a long time I believed everyone was secretly delighted when the social meet was cancelled, for instance...
Thanks for sharing. As usual, I think to mysekf, oh I will write a post in response to this! Because your reflective writing makes me feel so inspired.