I relate a lot to this. I often think I am just pretending to be autistic to get a bit of a break for how difficult I find life. And nobody around me sees me as I see myself. Of course they also don't have the experience of actually being me. They don't see all the errors and mix-ups. And when they do they often find them amusing or endearing. Naturally I pretend to find it amusing too, in order to save face...
It's strange isn't it?
I had enough evidence of my difference to seek diagnosis. But getting it didn't totally prove to me that I really am different.
Maybe this is just more evidence of how my brain works. How hard it finds it to settle on a position.
Have you read about the struggle for a sense of self in the autistic person? Have you experienced it?
I have. And I guess it is continuing as I go through this new experience of discovering I qualify for autistic diagnosis.
It was the same when I was getting sober via AA. And of course I started a blog about it and wrote hundreds and thousands of words.
I guess we are both entitled to the label if we want it. Why do we want it? Now there's a question. And I mustn't speak for you.
I wanted it because I wanted to understand what was wrong with me. Cos it was clear that something was.
I like the idea that I run on a different operating system. That's friendly.
Possibly another way of saying there's something wrong with me maybe. But kinder. And kindness really matters.
The people who love me who don't see me as having so much wrong as I feel in myself will all attest to the fact that I think too much.
Mostly I think they don't think enough.
Anyhow, I'm with you. And it's quite exhausting. I hope you find some peace with it.
I now say I'm autistic publicly. I want reasonable adjustments! I need them, in fact. So yep, I'm taking the diagnosis and running with it.
But also doubting it.
Especially cos of the narrative that the spectrum doesn't mean anything anymore.
It's confusing. The hallmark of my life has been confusion. The more I learn the less I know.
Anywho, gotta go n live my life now. Thanks for writing this. 🤖💙
Thank you so much for this thoughtful and generous reply, I really appreciate it. So much of what you say resonates with me. It is confusing - I can feel the confusion all the time as my mind goes in circles.
You asked, "Have you read about the struggle for a sense of self in the autistic person? Have you experienced it?"
That's an interesting question - I have not read about it specifically in the autistic person, but I have struggled with sense of self my whole life. The time's when I felt the most "normal" (doing things with other people, hanging out the way other people hang out) are also the times I have felt the most fake. I feel the most authentic sense of self when I'm alone, writing, or reading, or walking through the woods. I've always felt I was striving to do "normal life things", not being confident to say "what I'm doing IS normal life stuff, for me, and I'm just going to do it my way."
I love your point about does our doubting the diagnosis say more about how our brain works that in does about the diagnosis. I'm writing another post on it now, and I do wonder if the process had been different for me, if the doctor's attitude had been different, if I would have felt more confident in it.
I also echo this "I wanted it because I wanted to understand what was wrong with me. Cos it was clear that something was." I've always thought there was something wrong with me - plenty of people have told me that (or implied it). It feels good to have an explanation, but then I worry it's just an excuse, and that can be a mental cycle that goes on for a while.
On being public, I'm getting there. I think I'm getting close. Dialogues like this one, and reading writing like yours (and so many other great autistic people sharing stories!) really helps. So, thank you so much for taking the time to respond.
I relate a lot to this. I often think I am just pretending to be autistic to get a bit of a break for how difficult I find life. And nobody around me sees me as I see myself. Of course they also don't have the experience of actually being me. They don't see all the errors and mix-ups. And when they do they often find them amusing or endearing. Naturally I pretend to find it amusing too, in order to save face...
It's strange isn't it?
I had enough evidence of my difference to seek diagnosis. But getting it didn't totally prove to me that I really am different.
Maybe this is just more evidence of how my brain works. How hard it finds it to settle on a position.
Have you read about the struggle for a sense of self in the autistic person? Have you experienced it?
I have. And I guess it is continuing as I go through this new experience of discovering I qualify for autistic diagnosis.
It was the same when I was getting sober via AA. And of course I started a blog about it and wrote hundreds and thousands of words.
I guess we are both entitled to the label if we want it. Why do we want it? Now there's a question. And I mustn't speak for you.
I wanted it because I wanted to understand what was wrong with me. Cos it was clear that something was.
I like the idea that I run on a different operating system. That's friendly.
Possibly another way of saying there's something wrong with me maybe. But kinder. And kindness really matters.
The people who love me who don't see me as having so much wrong as I feel in myself will all attest to the fact that I think too much.
Mostly I think they don't think enough.
Anyhow, I'm with you. And it's quite exhausting. I hope you find some peace with it.
I now say I'm autistic publicly. I want reasonable adjustments! I need them, in fact. So yep, I'm taking the diagnosis and running with it.
But also doubting it.
Especially cos of the narrative that the spectrum doesn't mean anything anymore.
It's confusing. The hallmark of my life has been confusion. The more I learn the less I know.
Anywho, gotta go n live my life now. Thanks for writing this. 🤖💙
Thank you so much for this thoughtful and generous reply, I really appreciate it. So much of what you say resonates with me. It is confusing - I can feel the confusion all the time as my mind goes in circles.
You asked, "Have you read about the struggle for a sense of self in the autistic person? Have you experienced it?"
That's an interesting question - I have not read about it specifically in the autistic person, but I have struggled with sense of self my whole life. The time's when I felt the most "normal" (doing things with other people, hanging out the way other people hang out) are also the times I have felt the most fake. I feel the most authentic sense of self when I'm alone, writing, or reading, or walking through the woods. I've always felt I was striving to do "normal life things", not being confident to say "what I'm doing IS normal life stuff, for me, and I'm just going to do it my way."
I love your point about does our doubting the diagnosis say more about how our brain works that in does about the diagnosis. I'm writing another post on it now, and I do wonder if the process had been different for me, if the doctor's attitude had been different, if I would have felt more confident in it.
I also echo this "I wanted it because I wanted to understand what was wrong with me. Cos it was clear that something was." I've always thought there was something wrong with me - plenty of people have told me that (or implied it). It feels good to have an explanation, but then I worry it's just an excuse, and that can be a mental cycle that goes on for a while.
On being public, I'm getting there. I think I'm getting close. Dialogues like this one, and reading writing like yours (and so many other great autistic people sharing stories!) really helps. So, thank you so much for taking the time to respond.