I relate so much. And I love the way you write. I feel like this really nails my experience. Being in a group, it always felt like there was a whole dimension of interaction that I didn't understand. I felt some of my friends feel me lacking. Though of course, maybe I just felt myself lacking and projected it onto them. Reflecting back, I realised how I marginalised myself. I even gave it a nickname, the eternal sidekick.
I was never at the centre or making things happen, always trying to go unnoticed or just keep up.
I noticed when I was trying to quit drinking and failing, so still getting drunk often by mistake, that drinking didn't actually make me comfortable in social situations. It just made me not care that I wasn't comfortable.
That was the beginning of me seeing behind the booze curtain.
I'm glad you found your wife and had your daughter. And that you are working out what you need. I'm jealous you still have access to alcohol. I banned myself, for good reason, but I do miss the illusion it gave me. And it did feel like the drinking me was more likable. But as you say, maybe that was only to me.
My dad was a drinker and he seemed to think his drinking personality was preferable but actually his sober self was lovelier by far. I can't imagine it's any different with me.
I went out with my sensitive library kinda friends once after I got sober and it was kind of horrible to watch their quiet, conscientious selves disappear and all these more obnoxious, dumdum personalities appear.
As ever, I find it hard to get a handle on it. My perspective on booze and drinking has changed so much that I am suspicious of it (my new pov). Hard to be balanced about it, I find.
Anyhow, thanks for writing and articulating your experience with booze.
Thank you so much for you thoughtful comment, Chelsey. Your writing has given me the courage to face this topic. Wow, you describe this really well - drinking doesn't make you more comfortable but it makes you not care that you aren't comfortable. That really resonates.
I am also suspicious of drinking, including my own. The fact that I still drink I don't think is a virtue - that is, I don't think I have really found a healthy balance, it's more that I'm afraid to completely close that door. I enjoy a glass of wine (and I'm really into wine - I love reading about it, learning about the people who made it, understanding the techniques they used, etc - like a "special interest"), but it always leaves me feeling unsatisfied. Drinking only one glass, honestly, is hard every time I do it. I prefer the nights where I don't drink at all, but somehow that glass of wine on the days that I do drink is irresistible even though a big part of me doesn't really want it. So, I wish I could have the courage that you had to completely look behind the curtain. There is another post to write here for sure.
Thank you for your writing and for your sharing - I really appreciate it.
I relate so much. And I love the way you write. I feel like this really nails my experience. Being in a group, it always felt like there was a whole dimension of interaction that I didn't understand. I felt some of my friends feel me lacking. Though of course, maybe I just felt myself lacking and projected it onto them. Reflecting back, I realised how I marginalised myself. I even gave it a nickname, the eternal sidekick.
I was never at the centre or making things happen, always trying to go unnoticed or just keep up.
I noticed when I was trying to quit drinking and failing, so still getting drunk often by mistake, that drinking didn't actually make me comfortable in social situations. It just made me not care that I wasn't comfortable.
That was the beginning of me seeing behind the booze curtain.
I'm glad you found your wife and had your daughter. And that you are working out what you need. I'm jealous you still have access to alcohol. I banned myself, for good reason, but I do miss the illusion it gave me. And it did feel like the drinking me was more likable. But as you say, maybe that was only to me.
My dad was a drinker and he seemed to think his drinking personality was preferable but actually his sober self was lovelier by far. I can't imagine it's any different with me.
I went out with my sensitive library kinda friends once after I got sober and it was kind of horrible to watch their quiet, conscientious selves disappear and all these more obnoxious, dumdum personalities appear.
As ever, I find it hard to get a handle on it. My perspective on booze and drinking has changed so much that I am suspicious of it (my new pov). Hard to be balanced about it, I find.
Anyhow, thanks for writing and articulating your experience with booze.
Thank you so much for you thoughtful comment, Chelsey. Your writing has given me the courage to face this topic. Wow, you describe this really well - drinking doesn't make you more comfortable but it makes you not care that you aren't comfortable. That really resonates.
I am also suspicious of drinking, including my own. The fact that I still drink I don't think is a virtue - that is, I don't think I have really found a healthy balance, it's more that I'm afraid to completely close that door. I enjoy a glass of wine (and I'm really into wine - I love reading about it, learning about the people who made it, understanding the techniques they used, etc - like a "special interest"), but it always leaves me feeling unsatisfied. Drinking only one glass, honestly, is hard every time I do it. I prefer the nights where I don't drink at all, but somehow that glass of wine on the days that I do drink is irresistible even though a big part of me doesn't really want it. So, I wish I could have the courage that you had to completely look behind the curtain. There is another post to write here for sure.
Thank you for your writing and for your sharing - I really appreciate it.